


everything is lost

by thisissirius



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Anger, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9804692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: robert confronts aaron over his comments





	

**Author's Note:**

> i thought this was ooc but i have been assured it's not
> 
> thanks to jen for helping <3
> 
> (and mer and lorna for the endless encouragement tbh)

Robert’s angry.

Their bedroom is a mess, clothes strewn about the floor, the bed covers half hanging off. It should be comforting, usually makes Robert feel the press of love behind his breastbone. Now it just infuriates him. He wants to break something, cause some damage, and clenches his hands into fists. He can’t do it, can’t give in to his rage, not when he’s trying so hard to be better.

 _For what,_ he thinks nastily, sitting on the edge of the bed. It’s Aaron’s side, his wet towel sitting in a puddle on the floor. Robert grits his teeth, hates it anyway, but now - now he just wants to tear it to shreds.

There’s footsteps on the stairs and the hair on the back of Robert’s neck stands on end. Aaron, then.

Dropping his head into his hands, Robert tries to keep his anger in check. He doesn’t want to lash out, not now, not when he’s supposed to be strong.

“Wondered where you’d got to.” Aaron says it lightly, like everything’s fine.

“Wanted to be on my own.”

Aaron doesn’t get the hint, comes into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him. “Think Liv’s feeling better.”

“Great,” Robert says, rubbing his hands over his face. “As long as she is, eh?”

There’s a silence behind him and Robert curses himself, curses the bitter slant to his tone.

“Robert-”

“I’m fine,” Robert says, standing and turning in one fluid emotion. He knows he must look like a wreck, hair mussed and eyes red from trying to keep from losing it. “Or that’s what I have to be, isn’t it?”

Aaron’s face shifts from surprise to confusion. “What are you on about? Robert, you don’t have to be anything.”

“Right,” Robert says, tone nasty, “Because who cares what happens to me?”

He doesn’t mean to say it, but it’s right there and he’s thinking it.

“I do,” Aaron says, looking equal parts sad and confused. It echoes what Chas said in the pub, but Robert can’t make himself believe it. Aaron runs a hand over his face. He’s still wearing his running outfit and it just makes Robert’s anger curl into fury. “You know I do.”

“How?” Robert says, laughing, and it’s cruel, he knows it is, but he can’t stop himself. “We’re not a family Aaron.”

Aaron gets it, Robert can see that it does. Realisation, a flicker of guilt and regret, but it’s too little too late. The fact that he even said it, could even think it. “Robert, that wasn’t-”

“What you meant?” Robert finishes. He doesn’t want it to bother him as much as it does, but he thought they were making something, were becoming something. “You know what’s worse? I thought we were gonna have something.”

“We are, we do,” Aaron stresses, taking a step forward, like he’s going to round the bed.

Robert takes a step back, shaking his head. Aaron falters, looking wretched. Robert doesn’t care, his anger twisting cruelly in his stomach. “I asked Ronnie today,” he says, eyes flicking out the window. “I thought, you know what, at least I can have the Mill done for when he comes out. I can do something and not feel completely useless.”

“Robert.”

“I have to be strong,” Robert says, clenching his hands into his fists. “I’ve been strong, pretending my life isn’t going to go to hell, but I guess it’s okay, my life will _actually_ be moving on while you’re in prison.”

“That’s not fair,” Aaron snaps, the first sign of anger since he came into the room. “I didn’t mean any of that, my head’s all over the place, Rob-”

“And mine isn’t?” Robert shouts, knows if anyone’s in the house they’ll hear him, but he doesn’t care. “My fiance is about to go to prison for something that _I_ caused and you think I’m swanning around like everything’s fine?”

Aaron looks taken aback for a second, before he’s throwing up his hands. “What do you want from me? I’m worried about Liv, about you, about _mum_. I’m scared, Rob.”

“I know.” Robert keeps his voice even. “I know you are and believe me, if I wasn’t so _angry_ , I would be trying to make you feel better, but I can’t Aaron. You told me I wasn’t Liv’s family. That hurt.”

There’s a sick look on Aaron’s face, and Robert doesn’t understand, doesn’t want to. He’s hurt and he’s promising himself to be more honest, to tell Aaron when something’s bothering him. Even if that hurts them both.

“The fact that you think my life wouldn’t be on hold just like yours makes me feel like shit.” Robert drops back down onto the bed, scrubs at his face with the palms of his hands. “That you think I wouldn’t fight to keep Liv here with me, that I wouldn’t look out for her?”

His voice breaks, refuses to work.

There’s something black and ugly in his chest and he can’t push it down.

Aaron shifts behind him and Robert thinks for a second that he’s gone, but the bed dips next to him. There’s a long silence that Robert’s afraid won’t be broken, but then Aaron’s lifting a hand, hovering it over Robert’s leg like Robert’s going to refuse him touching.

Robert doesn’t tense, just watches the twitch of Aaron’s fingers as he rests his hand on his thigh.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron’s voice sounds terrible, like he’s going to cry. There’s a vicious part of Robert that wants that, but the rest of him just feels tired and guilty. Aaron takes a breath. “I’ve been so wrapped up in me that I didn’t think about you.”

It shouldn’t keep hurting.

“I love you,” Robert says, almost afraid the words won’t mean something if he keeps saying them to someone who doesn’t trust that it’s the truth. “I love Liv. I want to look out for her.”

“I don’t know why I said that,” Aaron says again, sounding honest. “It feels like I’m letting her down, like I should be the one to find a way to help her.”

“Getting married - that’s supposed to mean you don’t do things on your own, Aaron. We’re together and I want to help.” Robert pauses, struggles to find the words. He feels off kilter, his anger throwing itself at a wall that won’t yield. “I need to help otherwise I’ll - I told you once, I can’t lose you. I wasn’t kidding. I don’t-”

His voice breaks again and he hates it, hates how weak he is. He thought he was better than this.

“Hey,” Aaron says, his voice just as broken, but soft. There’s a hand on his face and Robert can’t help leaning into it, his anger deflating a little. Aaron’s touch is warm, _sure_. “Robert.”

Robert doesn’t know what to say, what to do. The strength he’s been holding on to, the only thing keeping him from breaking, seems to shatter. “My life isn’t going anywhere without you.”

Aaron’s expression _crumbles_ and Robert’s chest explodes with guilt, with hurt. The hands against his face and leg are shaking, but Aaron tilts his chin, looks defiant. “You’ve been brilliant, Robert. I know what I said, I know it hurt and I’m sorry, but I - I trust you with Liv, you know that right?”

Robert nods, even though he doesn’t, not really.

There’s a hesitant look on Aaron’s face. His hand shifts, wraps around the back of Robert’s neck. Robert drops forward, mostly so that he doesn’t have to look at Aaron’s expression anymore. Aaron kisses the top of Robert’s head, holding him tight.

 _I wanted to marry you_.

Robert still does, wants Aaron to realise that he means forever, that he’ll still be there when Aaron’s freed. The words are on the tip of his tongue. Instead he fists a hand in Aaron’s jacket. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Aaron says immediately, grip tightening. “I’m sorry. For making you think that this wasn’t everything, for making you think I see you as seperate from me an’ Liv.”

Robert’s heart clenches painfully. _I thought we were a family_. “I have something that’s _mine_ , that’s ours, and I thought you-”

“I promise,” Aaron says, his voice choked. “I promise ya, Rob, you’re my family. Liv’s your family. I’m sorry.”

Robert breathes, lets the words wash over him. It doesn’t feel like a resolution, still feels like the rug will be pulled out from under him. He wants to marry Aaron, wants to help Aaron and Liv, but he wants to help _himself_. Marrying Aaron is a step he needs to take, to prove to himself that Aaron means it, that when Aaron says _I do_ standing there with him, that he’ll mean everything he’s saying;

he, Aaron and Liv - even Chas - will be a family.

Maybe Robert can survive this, then, with them. Maybe his life will be on hold, but he won’t be the crippling kind of lonely that he’s afraid of.

“I love you,” Aaron says, pressing another kiss to Robert’s head.

“I love you too,” Robert says, meaning it with every fibre of his being.

**Author's Note:**

> join me on [tumblr](http://sapphicsugden.tumblr.com)!


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